My adventures are different these days and yet life fill me. I own my own business and its been hard at work behind scenes shifting things, pivoting, and launching big dreams. Coming to grips of treating my business with a business mindset not a hobbit mindset. Someone pointed that to me very graciously unbeknownst to them and things have begun to shift in such good ways. At the same time I’ve put in a noticed at a job (my exit is a very slow and many months out) and told another I’m limited in what I can do at least in this season.
I sleep…and I sleep a lot. My goal is at least 8-9 hours a night…all THROUGH the night no cat naps. Take naps during the day from 10-20 mins. They have been my fuel. Reading and writing has moved to a high priority on my list and my watching tv shows has decreased drastically. The tv shows are replaced by workshops and online classes…keeping it real here. I’ve made the hard decision to put my phone across the room most nights around 9:30 and won’t pick it up until after my excising is done around 7:30am…unless I’m going for a walk. I’m hoping that I can keep this up.
That’s not adventurous Christina…that’s normal life. When you’ve lived for the past 8 years so spontaneous a life that there was no routine except fatigue, going to church on Sundays, the *never ending* projects at home along with it accompany of messes all the dang time and trusting that bills will somehow get paid…and the meager savings for actual *fun* traveling doesn’t get used for emergency…this is an adventure. Sorry for the run on sentence, forgive me this once? Anyways- trust me…getting a Ducans Coffee to me was if you had treated me out to Chris Ruth. The bright side in the mounds of messes I learned how to create beauty. I was stubborn in cultivating beauty in the midst of construction and mess. Grief was slowly ebbing back and life was pushed forward. For months… I was slowly waking up. Then it came fast and hard because I was trying to ignore to what I was waking up to.I realized the statement may confuse you. In other-words I was trying to have it both ways…Grind all day but not fully commit to the things tugging on my heart. Creating with beauty had begun the awakening but its not the complete story. What made it real? My accident from a wreck that could have been avoid had not fatigue won.
Boundaries came fast and hard. I’ve remained unmoved. The result? I’ve laughed more. Seriously. I’ve played more. And I went back to what I’m known for. I went back to jumping off deep cliffs simply because I heard my Father say I could…trusting, unflinching, and absolutely loving it. But first I had to battle, and battle hard. Here’s the thing depression and exhaustion are easily closed in similarities. I wondered if I was depressed, but I still light up at the things that made me happy. I simply could not focus for more than 5 minutes on anything serious. For once I understand and have compassion for those who felt they couldn’t get out of bed. Mine was because my pain was great.
Stripped of bravery masks, I allowed myself to be brutally emotionally honest. Yet…I never once berated myself or anyone else. I fought. By rest. By Play. By laughter. By reading His word. By investing in relationships. By saying no. By saying yes. By owning what is mine…and letting go of my own and everyone else opinion real or otherwise. That last sentence. Re-read that. I had to own what was mine- what God gave me not what I wanted or longed for- but what was mine in the moment and let go of my own opinions and others…real or otherwise. That meant letting go of pasts…of all the no’s and the unknown anger I had within me that had fueled my fight to push back. To stand on ground of unbrokenness….meant I had to leave mirage of the the ground appearing broken and let it go. I say appearing…because my ground can never be shaken. Not when we’re in Christ and have a personal relationship with Him.
But this took time and still is taking time. I’ve learned if God has already said yes than why the heck am I still asking? If I have His approval…then why should my opinion or anyone else’s matter? By the way…I’m NOT saying don’t be accountable, or fail to listen to wise counsel or be a heel. That would be taking what I’m saying out of context. I’m saying there’s nothing to stop you if God has said “yes”. I had to shed things I didn’t know I had. The reasons why I do things…or don’t do things.
This I have a feeling will be a life long lesson. When I write here I don’t have a consistent date I’m writing by. Mostly, because in the season I was that was a luxury I know I could not make. I felt at the time it was better to at least write…then not at all. I’ve long ago learned not to do series…as hard as I try I simply don’t finish them out. So I work with my strength while working on my weakness. I either make it complete on it own…or I write it all together and separate them out. But I show up writing whether once every few months or once a week. I’ve simplified.
Before signing off…I do note I am well aware of showing up consistently on a particular date is wise. But I also know the wisdom of knowing how to commit. So I’ve committed to writing that I hope encourages you, inspires you, and perhaps challenges you in the good ways. To write when I’m in a place where I can respond and not react, because you’re worth reading from someone who’s determined to write from a well soul whether in sorrow or in joy. That’s what I’m committed to…