Changing of perspectives is sometimes easy and sometimes it is the most difficult thing to do and accept. Especially when it has to do with self control and disciplined. Like holding my tongue when I’m exhausted and would love nothing more to than to let loose my words. On the other hand when I feel terrified because someone blew up intent on their own way so I remain silence only to moment later find words I wished I could have said. Then there’s the combo- where I’m exhausted and someone with their heart in the right place seemingly scolds us for our decisions. The next day the message was clearer and I had been glad to have been silent though knowing words would have to said to give context of the decisions. The dilemma.
One of the best decisions I ever made last year was to enroll in a mentorship. This decision was not made lightly, nor was it without cost. I knew that if I was could to spend the money I would need to be willing to put in the work. Easy said then done I’m not afraid to admit. I had prayed for a year, watched carefully, went to the scriptures and observed someone very close to me who was in the program. I liked what I saw. The change in the person was subtle , steady, and happy. It took courage to pay the cost, but I don’t regret a penny of it. It has been one of the hardest and yet easiest decision to stay focus and dedicated to doing the work.
One of the things I’ve noted was
I stopped trying to escape, but truly was intent of being full.Christina
I’m learning while on the outside escaping and playing are two very different things. Escaping doesn’t fill you in the way that we need to be full. We don’t change on escapism- not in a good way. However, I have realized the very beginning was the method of escaping, I needed to escape what was happening. Some of the things I escaped into I had to cut off completely. It was destroying me on the inside and starting to affect relationships. I’m in all earnest that I thank God that He caught my heart and I’ve repented turning aside from what not good. Had I continued down the road it would have not been good. But there have been other escapism that have lead to very good things. Instead of what began as escaping became a way for me to get creative inspirations. It allowed wonder. It shifted my perspective from moody and broody to intentional gladness and focus. It has been heart work.
I have found myself through out the day seeking out His presence. Asking Him what He thinks. Not because I have to, because I want to. I’ve discovered even the things I don’t want to do that He lends me the inspirations, disciplined, and focus to do them. Is it all easy peasy? No. But I find myself more and more committed to His voice then my fears.
For example- I started writing both morning and night. I wrote to escape. To “make” myself think and be “better” person. Please tell me you’re laughing…because this is definitely the time. If not- I give you permission to chuckle. No one not even myself can make me a better person. But…what started out as an escape and a legalistic way made way to dreaming with God, to hearing His heart, to repentance, and to looking forward to waking up in the mornings because I get to dream with Him (when I say dream I ask Him what His desires are for me and I go with His leading). To looking forward to the evenings because scriptures come to life, I pour out both beauty and grief shifting my perspective to His. It is heart work and worth the investment.
Every Moment that I spend with Him is an investment into my best of the best life.
This has changed me. What also has helped is putting my phone in a different room at night. Yes, its extreme. But that’s where I am at the moment. Maybe someday I’ll have disciplined to have my phone in my room again. I don’t know. But I do know I’m sleeping better and deeper. My quality of time with Him has increased.
You see sometimes escaping is good…but the questions to ask is why and to what? My best choices began in escaping I had to get away and that’s what I knew. But if the escaping isn’t good, mark my words if you belong to Jesus- the Holy Spirit will prick your conscience. It is up to me, to you to surrender.
What about the things that weren’t good for me? I can almost hear the questions. Well, I was reading books with fantasies- the magical realm kind. Not good things. It started slow a way for me to escape, I was so caught up I didn’t even notice what I would have noticed in a instance. It started getting more graphic, more more “magical”. Until I heard His voice interrupt one of my reading- “Do you think this please Me? Does this give any glory to Me?” I stopped there and didn’t pick it up. A little time later I entertain the thought of reading again- and was interrupted with “Would you allow an eight year old to read this? Does this hurt your relationship with Me?” Ya’ll this was a three week time period. I confess I did pick up once more a little later and so disappointed at the content. I saw it for what it was. Witchcraft. In my trying to escape I had chosen filth water, something that would try to tear me away from a good healthy relationship with my Father. I did get inspired create beauty out of the experience, it propelled me to do something about it. It also made me grateful that I wasn’t left to my own devices- I was corrected. In the correction I felt loved and secured, but humbled. Can someone else read those stories and not be effect like I was…maybe. But that’s not of my concern. That would be between that person and God…but I do know when someone is being effect good or bad by how they are bearing their fruit. What goes in and allow to stay has consequences.
I also want to point out something…God would have more than likely eventually had someone correct me. I’d rather be corrected by Him than someone else. I’m not perfect and I have had people rightly correct me. I thank for them it even if in the moment I was angry about it. It means they cared enough and loved me enough to encouragement to keep my focus Christ Centered. They’re not perfect- but neither am I. But as a result I’ve made very conscious decisions of what I’m listening, watching, or reading because I know I’m wanting to escape. And there’s really no escaping, but there is such a thing as getting my tank filled up. I’m trying to be more aware of my thoughts- all of them- and what is being allowed to stay. No. I’m trying to be goody two shoes, I’m not as good was I want to be, and neither is a “heavy” thing for me to do. It is an action I’m choosing to tend to because I want my life to bear good fruits.
In being focus on being full, means I’m not scrapping for scraps. I’m getting the best of the meats, the fruits, cheese, wine, veggies, and yes desserts. Not because I’m all that…but because I’m tending to what is mean and sometimes that means being allowed to be pruned and pruning even when it hurts.
P.S. Forgive my lack of grammar and spelling. I chose not to re-read over my post. Perhaps I’m a chicken….but I was afraid I’d edit out what needed to stay.